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The Land Before Time: The Big City (EWW Video)
By CinemaSins Narrated By Jeremy Scott. Everything Wrong with The Land Before Time: The Big City In 19 minutes or less. Spoilers!! (duh..) 1. (Universal, Fox, and Amblin show up) 53 seconds of 3 logos!!! 2. (2012 Universal Pictures logo is shown) Comcast. 3. (2013 20th Century Fox is shown, fanfare plays and Spike comes out of the 0 and hums the fanfare) I'd prefer Ralph Wiggum singing the logo than you. 4. (Rocky: The Earth.) Narration. 5. (All Star plays) Movie steals the opening montage from Shrek. What's next, Saturday Night Fever? 6. Littlefoot and his friends are playing a "soccer" game? It's prehistoric, so I can't make it out. 7. (Littlefoot: Wait a minute, where's Chomper?) How do you not know?! Oh, wait, no GPS, case closed, but it's still a sin. 8. (Shows Don Bulth and Charles Grosvenor) Wow, Don. You came back to do movie making. 9. TBA 10. (Austin: Anyway, those leaf eaters are getting fat from eating too much green food.) That's racist. And I forget to mention that THIS IS A F*CKING G RATED MOVIE! 11. Littlefoot's grandparents have bad parenting skills. Geez, reminds of how harsh my mother was. 12. OK, I admit that Spike can talk, but didn't he talk before? I need to re-watch the sequels. 13. (Gang: Guido!) "Characters loudly say another character's name in joy" cliche. 14. Chomper is suddenly worried about his parents. What caused this in the first place? DAMN IT MOVIE, WE NEED ANSWERS! 15. (Hyp: AAAAHHHH!) Poorly acted scream. 16. Also, 17. Hey, Jason Marsden... why aren't you animated in the dinosaur world? It feels like Mary Poppins. 18. 19. 20. (Wild Arms: You regret it just 10 seconds into this?!) Yeah, when in reality, it was 5 seconds. Boy, Wild Arms is as dumb as I thought. 21. Also, "characters fight over needing people" cliche. 22. (Hyp: Yeah, well why can't? Nod show some resp-- (Austin comes out of the bushes)) Movie fails to do a proper jump-scare. 23. "Character tries to shoo a bug" cliche. 24. Ali flirts at Littlefoot. This TBA. 25. Rhett is an idiot to Littlefoot. Also, Discount Nelson Muntz! 26. (Old One: As for you... You've been worse. You made this disturbance.) OK, how did you know that disturbance in the first place? 27. (Mamma Swimmer: You talked! You said your first word! This calls for a celebration. (James Newton Howard's It Comes with A Pool plays) You can't fool that fake-out, movie. James Newton Howard didn't compose this film. Is this movie stealing scores? And isn't that score from that Disney dinosaur film? I'm predicting that Disney is going to sue Universal for copyright infringement. 28. Once again, bad parenting... in a kids movie. 29. (Guido: Well, can you—ooooooooHHHHH MY GAAASSSHHH!!!) That's right, kids, movie is unable to hold in a puke joke for more than 19 minutes. Be a dumbass and scream. 30. (Melanie: Oh my gosh! A jaywalker!) Cloudy with a Chance of Ripoffs. 31. (Guido: Sighs I think I need to lay off my lunch. Wild Arms: Yeah. (pukes in bag)) Guys, let's keep at a G rating, please. 32. Well, someone saw Who Framed Roger Rabbit for once. 33. "Character screams at weird newcomers" cliche. Jesus, is this film going to be filled with cliches? 34. (Wild Arms crashes into a light post) "Cartoon character crashes into something and we see stars (in this case, pterodactyls) on top of his head" cliche. 35. (Wild Arms: D'oh! I get it.) Discount Homer Simpson. 36. (Wild Arms: Etta! How did you get to New York? IN THE 21ST CENTURY?!?) Wild Arms would be excellent at CinemaSins. 37. Here's Jessie, a stereotypical Texas woman, NOW THIS MOVIE IS OFFENDING TEXAINS?!?! THAT'S 2 SINS!!!! 39. (Mutt's stomach growls) Movie tricks us into believing the sharptooth made that sound. 40. Also, you would've told me that this movie made nearly 2 billion dollars worldwide, and WAS THE HIGHEST-GROSSING FILM OF 2019 AND MADE MORE MONEY THAN THE INCREDIBLES 2!!!! 41. A113 reference as seen virtually in every Pixar movie. 42. An average apartme-- OH MY GOD, IS THAT AN XBOX ONE?!!?! LET'S PLAY SOME FORZA HORIZON!!!!! 43. (Wild Arms falls onto a table) Still a sin besides the amazing special effects in this scene. 44. (Boris Lang: GET OUT OF MY WAY!) What an epic entrance! I'm taking off a sin for that. 43. (Strut: You mean that Evil Projector?) Discount LEGO Batman Movie. 44. (Boris kicks Strut's butt) Damn, this G rated movie is trying to stick the middle finger at the censors and the MPAA. 45. Dinosaurs don't smoke. Jesus, this film is not appropriate for a G. WHY DID THE MPAA ASSIGN IT A G INSTEAD OF A PG??? 46. (Doc catches the table) Doc Ex-Machina. 47. Also, how did Doc get to New York? This movie fails to do backstories. TBA. 48. (Guido: (flying) Well, if for someone who knew where I can hit the... (hits his head on the wall)) Why don't you look where you're going?! Was it an animation mistake or did Klasky-Csupo did it on purpose? 49. (Ducky: Aw, you poor little guy. Guido: (widens his eyes a bit, acting cute) Talk Well, I hoirt my poor, widdle head. (blinks for added effect)) OK...I admit that, this s*it is adorable right here. Removing a sin! 48. Guido is somehow dodging cars and just went to the Prometheus School of Dodging Things. 49. Truck horn sound effect heard virtually in every cartoon car chase. And Guido crash lands into the alley, where Shorty was watching. Man, this movie is TRYING to be more funny that cartoon physics work. 50. Discount Daffy and Donald Duck piano duel. 51. (Ruby slips and fell on the floor and the people start laughing at her) "Character does something unexpected and everyone except the main characters laugh at her" cliche. 52. Don Bluth movie fails to be dark. Dammit, Don Bluth, why can't you make this dark like you f*cking did in the first film!? 53. (Austin: I'm get a secret for in the ear... I DON'T MAKE DEALS WITH LEAF-EATERS!) Savage. And also, not helping your friend. 54. Hey, Petrie! Why were you crying while hugging Pterano? 55. (Pterano: My boy, I'm so happy to see you again!) What's with Pterano's voice? He sounds like Wheatley with a British accent. And what the hell happened to his original actor from the 7th movie? TBA. 56. (Shorty farts) Potty humor and fart jokes, because you know... (sighs) comedy. 57. Sure, this movie has a 100% Rotten Tomatoes rating, but this is sh*t. 58. These product placement TBA. TBA. 59. Bron and the grown-ups find a portal in a middle of nowhere. Which is some bulls*it. 60. Cliff Mars reminds me of Biff from Back to The Future. 61. (Wild Arms: So, you must be Pterano, Etta's daughter.) Oh, my god! Etta is Pterano's daughter?!! This movie is a hellhole. Do something, then somebody should do that. Then defeat Rinkus and Serria that are your former henchman to do some annoying things. 62. Tim Curry's character is a cyborg. So how did they make him? Did they steal copper to make him? I WANT A BACKSTORY! 63. Rhett is a d*ck to Littlefoot, again. 64. (Ozzy: Because I'm bad, I'm bad come on, You know I'm bad) Somehow a f*cking cartoon dinosaur can shake his groin. And there is no way they bullied the 14 dinosaurs and the humans while playing a Michael Jackson song. 65. Damon Wayans Jr.'s character gets hit in the balls, Example #1,000. 66. This movie is like 153 minutes, without counting the credits. Is it longer than Star Wars?! 67. Are those Cera's twins? Haven't seen them since 1998. Shouldn't they have been grown up by now?! 68. Tippy, an unneeded character appears. Is this movie bringing the characters back from the 13 sequels? TBA. 69. (Littlefoot: Ah-CHOO!) GODDAMN IT, ENOUGH WITH THE POTTY HUMOR! Oh, he sneezed. Never mind. But still a sin. 70. 2 hour 41 minute movie makes me feel it was like 3 hours. TBA. 71. The grown-ups meet up with Doc, who decides to keep the Gang of 14 a secret from the grown-ups. 72. (Big Daddy: Well, I won't back down) We interrupt this movie to bring you a Tom Petty music video and Barnyard. 73. Lizzie TBA 74. (Strut: (slaps Ozzy) I wish I wasn't working with you, egg-eating son of a bit---) God, The MPAA sucks. 75. Why the f*ck TBA. 76. We interrupt this movie to bring you those hallucination scenes from Madagascar and The Good Dinosaur. 77. Wild Arms is being an idiot and dances to probably the most overrated dance of all time. (Chicken Dance plays) Also Hyp, Mutt and Nod were able to help Wild Arms with Littlefoot and his 8 friends TBA. 78. Cera is playing Super Smash Bros. for Wii U, but there's no sensor bar on the TV. Anyways, the point of the Wii U was get the players up instead of sitting on the f*cking couch and eating green foods, so Cera's doing this Wii U thing all wrong. WHY CAN'T YOU PLAY WII SPORTS INSTEAD?!?!?! 79. Littlefoot and Ali are in love?! What is he gonna... (Littlefoot and Ali kiss) WHAT THE HELL?!!!? 80. (Love Me I Can Do plays) "Love song during a love scene" cliche. 81. These assholes don't spot Littlefoot and his friends, which they escaped from an secret hatch, and Rocky is like, "I'm going to go, bye!". 82. (Littlefoot: No. Sobbing Grandma...) Homesick already? It's been 2 days. 83. Rocky takes the 14 dinosaurs around New York, and no one notices because the movie wants to wait for the big truth and unreveal, TBA. 84. Curious George in the zoo. But he's animated, which doesn't make any sense at all. I guess this world is like Who Framed Roger Rabbit for a traditional animated character to be in the real world. 85. (Man on TV: When you have Mentos on a Diet Coke. Explodes) Memes. 86. Ruby cries, with her face on the table. Nice special effects, but still a sin. 87. 88. (Austin: All right, Keith, Claire let's go find your son Chomper and we all can get the hell out of here!) Seriously? You had to say that in a G rated movie?! They are kids watching! 89. (TBA.) I love this movie soo much, I nearly missed the part where Spielberg throws Coca-Cola right in our f*cking faces (arrow points at Coca-Cola Jumbotron). Nice Job! 90. (Rocky Scout: (slaps Cliff Mars) STUBBORN JERK!) This goes on for some time. 91. (Chomper bites Cliff in the leg) Cliff Mars: YYYYEEEEAAAAAAOOOOWWWWWW!!!!) Chomper Ex-Machina. 92. Also, that wound is quite bloody for a G rated movie, I'm taking off 5 sins for that. 87. Ozzy tells Strut to turn the power on, because... once again, comedy. 88. (Strut: When did they had a great sale on salad?) Strut is being a dumbass to his brother. 89. Etta is keeping an eye TBA 90. (TBA) Excuse me, I think i laughed so hard, I broke my rib. 91. Garfield accidentally knocks Littlefoot's disguise off, revealing himself to the public while trying to sit down. And the f*cking people are taking pictures of him so that Rocky and Wild Arms could take off the disguises, to reveal the other dinosaurs, but the people aren't running away from them. This is a Land Before Time movie, not We're Back! A Dinosaurs' Story. I guess the people were like "Hey, this is gonna go viral like f*ck! Let's take pictures and upload them to Twitter!" 92. Yeah, Steven Spielberg cameo. But still a sin. 93. These action scenes are fun in this movie. If this were a Marvel movie, it would be PG-13, but I mentioned earlier that movie sticks the middle finger at the MPAA Rating System. 94. (Mutt fights Boris' robots with his karate and gymnastic skills) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Muttaburrasaurus eat your robotic heart out!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! 93. (TBA) Boris' men don't hit the tires because it wants to wait for that slapstick and comedic timing. TBA. 94. Chris, 95. Where the hell did the Evil Projector go? It's not in Rocky's truck, and it would be hard to carry it around. 96. And Littlefoot and his friends still doesn't have the Evil Projector until MAGICALLY, they're holding it for the whole time! This movie is like f*ck physics, TBA. 97. (Littlefoot sends Boris Lang to the Mysterious Beyond) Nice special effects, but once again, it's a sin. 98. (Ali: Why can't we stay here? For better or worse, we're with you until... Littlefoot: I CAN'T LOSE YOU AGAIN! (pause) I can't... Not again.) Did I ever mention that Disney is going to sue Universal? 99. How did Littlefoot get to Central Park? Is he trying to run away to get home? Or... TBA 100. (Melanie: That is just not fair that they should stay hidden? Rocky: IT'S FOR THEIR PROTECTION!!!!) We interrupt this movie to bring you that scene from Logan. 101. Ali seems 102. (Ducky: (sings) She would wrap her tail around me And tell me "Don't be scared" And I knew that I was safe because Guido: (sings) She's always there) What a crappy musical number. Also, tearjerking. 103. TBA 104. 105. 106. (Boris: Hmm...) Movie wants to Movie. 107. This late night Jimmy Fallon talk show intro of the sharpteeth from the Mysterious Beyond is just for the people. It makes no sense in the movie that Boris can do this. Or that the sharpteeth would agree to wait and escape back to Earth. 108. (Boris: What a crew, eh, Strut? (high fives Strut) Hive-fiving probably the worst henchman in your team? A sin. 109. 110. 111. (TBA) Have I ever said that this movie made nearly 2 billion dollars? 112. (TBA) Movie steals that moment from that Homer vs The City of New York episode of The Simpsons. 113. I love this movie. But this rip-offs TBA. 114. (Boris Lang: This way to my lair!) It's located in Jersey City, New Jersey. once again, this movie says f*ck physics. 115. (TBA) The director said, "Hey, lets be Rick and Morty for a short gag where Pterano wants Szechuan Sauce so we can start that sauce fiasco again!". 116. 117. (Littlefoot: Am I gonna get human to fight these powerful sharpteeth? That a stupid idea.) Without help from the humans, you'd be dead. 118. (Chusher Sharptooth: Building survey! (tips over the top of the building) This building's not a code!) That is probably the most stupid thing to happen in this goddamn movie that doesn't know what it wants to be. 119. (A lava splash burns Wild Arms' arm) Wild Arms: Ah! HOT! OK, It's 100% lava.) Painfully unfunny gag. 120. (Hyp: 'Cause last I checked, it only had 4 butts.) So many hilarious movies parodies, so many sin removers... 118. Did Littlefoot and Ali fixed the plane while out there? Maybe they did, but, it's running one wing and was hit by lightning. TBA. 119. (TBA) American Airlines. 120. Littlefoot, his 13 friends and the 4 humans crashed landed at Sun Dial, Hyatt Regency Jersey City at the coast of New Jersey TBA. 121. Why does Guido has an iPhone? Did he TBA 122. 123. (Austin: That's racist, Ducky.) That's ra--- Hey! That's my line! 124. 125. Look at Manhattan! Look how apocalyptic it is. The Huston River is lava, and we can see the One World Trade Center. But it's completely fine because the movie doesn't want to make any references to 9/11. 126. (Petrie: Well, what we waiting for? Let's stop Boris Lang! Littlefoot: Wait, but if we are gonna stop Boris Lang, we have to.... SUIT UP!) TBA. 127. Boris' lair is on the corner of Bay St. and Marin St., but didn't that used to be a Walmart? Or a parking lot? TBA 128. 129. 130. (Boris Lang: I'm gonna blow up New York City!) Savage. Also, what? TBA 131. 132. 133. 134. (Mike: I can't. My boss will be mad at me. Hyp: Yeah. But I think your boss will be happy if we have the Egg-Stealers and the Evil Flyers.) He does have a point. TBA 135. 136. 137. 138. (Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie, Spike, Chomper, Ruby, Ali, Guido, Hyp, Mutt, Nod, Austin and Wild Arms were launched by a canon to get to Jersey City, New Jersey) Littlefoot: LOOK WHO'S BACK!) Wa wa. 139. (Littlefoot: Listen, Rocky. We just wanna say, that we're really...really...really...really, really, really...really, really...s-s-s-s-s...) "Character trying to say sorry" cliche. 140. Littlefoot and his friends sees his father, his grandparents TBA. 141. Why does Littlefoot need humans which is a stupid idea? TBA. 142. 143. 144. (TBA) OK. But how? Are there troops ready to bust a car? The city seems apocalyptic to me, and this New York s*it is to much of it, so I doubt it... But even if the 14 dinosaurs are in New York, YOU have an army, and you got Ozzy, Strut, Rinkus and Serria... surely you make the New York thing like a force field. 145. So, Rinkus planted a bomb underneath Union Square Park, how he did that, I will never know. 146. Land Before Time movie has the ability of these 14 movies. Action! And it's awesome!! 145. This truck is convenient to the climax. TBA. 146. 147. 148. (Mutt fights two Boris' men with his karate and gymnastic skills) Ha ha ha ah ha ha! I will never get tired of his karate skills! I love it!! 147. (Sam gets beaten up by bikers) Wilhelm Scream. 148. (TBA) This is horrific! Kids watch this s*it! Thank god this isn't Watership Down. 149. (Rhett & Rinkus: BACKUP PLAN!!!) Oh, crap! TBA. 150. We interrupt this movie to bring you the city breaking in half when the bomb went off scene from The LEGO Batman Movie. 151. (Littlefoot: We need all of you, and bring Manhattan back together.) How did Littlefoot broadcast this? He's a f*cking dinosaur and he learns to use a computer under a minute? Go to school! 152. (Littlefoot lies unconscious while Ali cries) Movie tricks us into believing that the main character is dead, but, no, he really isn't. Jeez, we're about 11 minutes left of this movie and it still doesn't know what it wants to be. 153. (Friends are Family plays) I love this movie, and I f*cking love this song! 150. (Cliff Mars: Is there a problem, officers?) Enough with the cliched pop culture references! 151. This movie is not over because we have to get a f*cking TV show! 152. The end credits and the Elton John music are exactly like Chicken Little. 153. Oh coming on! Are you f*cking kidding me? We just fixed this sin counter... oh wait, we have a backup. Movie Sin Tally: 153 Sentence: Dawn of Time